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it's a new year!

Work selfies. They're the greatest. 

Wow, I honestly thought for a while 2014 would never get here! How crazy! I don't have any resolutions per say, but I do have some goals for sure.

 Make some serious progress in school. I am literally swimming going nowhere. I mean, I have a general idea but I'd really love to have a definitive career path lined up. For heavens sakes, I'll be applying to vet school in a year. I should probably figure out my life.

Be more organized. That means cleaning out my truck regularly, saving all my receipts for things, and tracking my spending more closely. Man, I feel like a responsible adult or something. 

Take more risks and have more fun. I am so excited for this year... I'll be 20 this year and so I want to do fun things! I'm kind of over playing it safe. 

Save some money. Mostly because I'd like to have an emergency fund that's bigger than $50 at any point in time. Also, having a nice little nest egg is always a good idea. 

other updates: Brandon and I are doing great as usual. He came and stayed with my family for a few days over winter break and seeing how well he meshed with them was seriously awesome. I sure do love that man. This year is going to be a seriously tell tale year for us. Lots of exciting things on the horizon! We got a new roommate in our apartment and she actually looks like a lot of fun, I'm pretty excited to get to know her. In general, things are going amazingly. I am so happy with the upward turn my life has taken, and the wait for it was so worth it. 

Also, here's a good song to listen to. 

 xoxo

Jessica

untitled: december 10, 2013

i love this picture. partly because this is how we look 98% of the time we're together... happy. and probably making stupid jokes and laughing at each other. the other reason i love this picture is because for whatever reason, my neck has completely disappeared. it's great, huh?

i just got done looking at flights with my mom and michelle, trying to decide if it's more economical for me to drive than to fly. it's stupid because a one way flight from SLC to BOI is $140... but a flight from BOI to SLC is $315. makes sense. in conclusion: it's definitely cheaper to drive.

even though i don't see brandon every day, i love all the little reminders of him around my room. the quotes he wrote on my noteboard, the christmas candle, our picture, the elf movie on my bedside table, the knife that never leaves my pocket or bag, the blanket i stole from him, and the dozen roses that are still blooming two weeks later. i'm pretty dang lucky, if you ask me. in fact, i'm pretty sure there's not another college sophomore with a better boyfriend. (P.S. dear brandon: i'm sorry i suck at texting. i'll do better tomorrow than i did today, okay?? :))

i feel like there's something important that i was supposed to do today that i forgot to do. worst. feeling. ever. 

also, this cold is getting worse. mayday, mayday. but- hallelujah for modern day medicine. nyquil is my best friend! also i'm good at eating cough drops like they're candy.

hope you are all having a great day- and hey, the week is half over! whoo!!

love, 

jessica

learning.

life stages are pretty interesting. 

i've been very focused on myself lately- figuring out how to live without my dad being as involved in my life, learning how to be totally self sufficient- both financially and emotionally, not really leaning on anyone for help. to be honest, i pushed a lot of people away that were probably wanting to help me get over my issues- but i did what i thought was best for myself... and it worked. changes were made, including but not limited to, a new job, new haircut, changing my eating and exercise habits, and making a conscious effort to be around horses and music and to do the things i loved. i noticed a difference right away- i started to find myself more excited to wake up in the morning and go get things done. i felt like happy, normal, jessica self and it was awesome. i felt like i was doing important things with my life and i was satisfied.

and then i met brandon and things got even better.

we went to high school together in idaho, but had never known each other despite having slews of mutual friends. (i know, what the heck... my high school wasn't even that big). anyways, we hit it off immediately. we get along so good it's almost stupid, plus the fluttery feeling i get in my stomach i get when i talk to him is a big plus. it's funny because finding a boyfriend wasn't even something i was trying to do- he just kinda showed up and boy am i glad. this guy is so good to me... plus we're cute together and my mom likes him. it's a big deal.

 being in a big girl relationship is harder than i expected it to be in a few respects. it's kinda hard to let someone take care of me- and i'd gotten used to not really communicating with anyone and just going and doing my own thing. i'm re-learning a couple things i'd forgotten how to do since moving away from home- like how to be consciously considerate of other people's plans and time, controlling my snarky comments, and how to shake things off and how to go with the flow. every once in a while i catch myself getting uptight,  but he just tells me to go take 5 chill pills and then i'm good again. this is why we get along.

this is getting really long so i'll wrap up. 

basically, i'm really, really happy. 

it's a good thing. :)

Christmas memories.

I woke up this morning with my favorite Christmas hymn stuck in my head: 

Oh, Holy night! The stars are brightly shining! It is the night of our dear Savior's birth. 

Christmas is such a special time for me. Being in college is hard because i'm missing out on all of the things my family does together every Christmas. My family has such fun, strong traditions and part of the reason I'm so excited to have a family of my own is to carry the traditions on that I love so much. 

After dinner, we used to turn all the lights in the house off, but leave the lights on the Christmas tree switched on. I used to love to turn on Kenny G's Christmas album, lay on the cool leather couch outside the kitchen with a blanket and just relax. The beautiful soprano saxophone is so soothing, and when Christmas comes around there's nothing I love more than turning on a little Kenny G right before I go to bed. 

My mom always simmers mulling spices on the stove to make our home smell like Christmas every year. The smell of ground nutmeg, cinnamon, orange, lemon, clove, and bay leaf reminds me of home. On top of the mulling spices, she would make the best soft gingerbread cookies, coined "ginger gems" in our house, and we would make cinnamon applesauce ornaments which both also smell amazing. Nothing else smells like Christmas so perfectly. 

Christmas music is always playing in our house- but not just any Christmas music. The oldies. I can't listen to any of that modern Christmas music crap. Every holiday season, I start to crave Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Gene Autry, John Denver, Elvis, Ella Fitzgerald, Andy Williams, The Ray Coniff Singers... you get the idea. There's just one thing I can't stand: The Carpenters Christmas. My mom is in loveeee with the Carpenters but I just can't handle it for whatever reason-so we bond over Transiberian Orchestra instead. It's a good compromise. 

Like I mentioned earlier, "Oh, Holy Night" is my favorite Christmas hymn. 

My great-uncle Gordon has the most beautiful, deep, rustic singing voice ever. I didn't know this song especially well until one family dinner in the Tri Cities when Gordon sang it to us. There's nothing quite as tender as an old country boy singing a Christmas hymn about the birth of our Savior. He sounds just like Bing Crosby, and it warms my heart to hear this song. 

I love Christmas. 

What are your family traditions and favorite memories?

detaching and other things.

you can read a thousand books, set a million boundaries, talk with a million therapists, but if you can't just let it go, you're going to fail. that's probably why i've failed at making changes before. because for whatever reason, i just can't let it go.

cut the string. say bye. watch it float away. if it's gone, it can't stick around to hurt you. and you know what? detaching from people is okay too. they might not be what you need to heal at the moment. does that mean they're bad people? absolutely not. in fact, you might love their company and they might love yours, but in the end, it's about getting to where you need to go.

let go of everything and everyone that will hold you back from being who you most want to be.

detaching is a way of saying, "i do not accept this behavior in my life." it's hard but it's worth it. and it took some really awful lessons to learn that.

do what you know you need to do.

love, jessica.

i believe in doing what you love.

i believe in doing what you love. 

for example. 

i love horses, taking care of animals, and playing the guitar. 

lately, i've really been focusing on myself and making sure i'm doing as good as i'd like to be. so, that means a lot of horse therapy, music lessons, and helping out the vet students. i'm busy from 10 am until 10 pm most days, but i love it more than i can really say. it's amazing how much doing what you love can help you heal. 

go do something you love today.

xox jess

today i miss my long hair.

referral treats & other things.

via thejessicastory on instagram

during my lunch break today i took a little trip to my favorite place in logan- the usu barn. 

holy cow i love this place so much it should be illegal.

i referred someone to one of the agents at our office and he brought me a dirty coke to say thank you.

okay but lets be serious here for a second. WHY HAVE I NEVER HAD ONE OF THESE BEFORE. THEY'RE SO GOOD. it's seriously just diet coke with chocolate in it. holy wow.

anyways i don't have a ton to say today, but i'm really trying to get more into my blog again. i miss it. 

love, jessica. 

sunday.

lead, kindly light, amid the encircling gloom. 

lead thou me on, the night is dark, and i am far from home, lead thou me on. 

keep thou my feet, i do not ask to see the distant scene. one step, enough for me. 

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose and see my path; but now, lead thou me on!

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears, pride ruled my will. 

remember not past years.

still alive.

hey guess what? i'm still alive over here. it's been a rough couple months, and if i haven't kept in touch so well, i'm sorry. things are definitely moving forward, and i'm glad that they are. change is always hard, but i learned that it's even harder when you don't accept it and go with it. the more you fight it, the harder it gets. acknowledging that God has put you in a situation for your own benefit makes all the difference. He knew i was strong enough to struggle through the summer, and i'm so blessed to have learned such valuable lessons. i've changed for the better- i'm stronger, more flexible and true to myself. 

sometimes it seems like bracing your feet and turning your back to the wind makes it all better, but holy cow does it only make it worse. touche, life. lesson learned. 

so pretty much... i'm just glad i'm back to feeling like myself. i've had a lot of friends make blogs lately and i'm absolutely loving reading what everyone has to say about their life experiences right now. so, yall should keep it up. haha.

xoxo

jessica

understanding the rapids.

life can be compared to a river.

every once in a while there will be calm spots, but large stretches of river are rapids, of all sizes. 

there will be good times in each of our lives; times when things seem to work out perfectly. it's a calm stretch where everything fits together, pieces fall into place and being content simply means sitting back and enjoying the scenery. then, there are the rapids. some will be small, and you simply have to hold on tight for a second until you're over the rough patch, but others will be class five rapids that leave you hanging on to whatever you can with the tips of your fingers for what seems like eternities. i've had rapids in my life that leave my mind and body numb and exhausted because i've just been trying to survive for so long, just like bracing yourself to travel down intense rapids would.

looking at this river from the bank or an overlook, it's beautiful and awe inspiring. looking at the river from the middle of a little plastic raft... well it could be downright terrifying. 

being in the middle of a series of rapids is scary. 

taking a step back towards the bank and realizing that the journey we're taking down the river is incredible is a crucial part of our spiritual, physical, and mental growth. keeping a heavenly perspective is so important, yet so often forgotten. i know i forget to step back all the time, but it's alright because i have a river guide that shows me the safest routes around the sharp rocks, eddies, and logs that could drag me under. 

trusting your river guide is a leap of faith sometimes. God knows that we're scared, and we just want to be in a calm stretch again. however, he also knows that traveling down the hard road will teach us things we couldn't have learned any other way. 

this week, i'm working on trusting my river guide more fully. after all, he knows my river better than i do. 

angels.

these are my two closest friends and i. 

they probably don't realize how amazing they are and how much they mean to me, but all i can say is that i'm so ready for a hell of a year with these ladies.

xox

jess

the best day of your life begins in the morning.

i don't know how or where to start.

things are hard for me and they probably will be for a really, really long time. i kind of hate that. i hate that my life isn't turning out the way i expected it to, i hate that i can't rely on things or on people- and its hard for me to deal with and to come to terms with. i'm sick of pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is okay, when only a very small number of people know how i actually feel. most days, just getting out of bed is really hard. i'd rather just kinda lay there and forget that i'm an adult and that i have obligations and things to be doing.

events that are playing out right now are so hard for me because i remember how awesome my life was just a few short months ago- this last spring, i was freakin on cloud nine. i was taking care of myself spiritually really well, i had an awesome perspective on life, i had a sweet boyfriend, my horses were healthy, i got to go ride at least three times a week, my best friends all still lived in town, i was still playing the guitar constantly, my family was all together and things seemed like they were really looking up. none of those things are true anymore. you know how they say "when it rains, it pours"? yeah they were right.

right now, it's two in the morning, and i just got back from a run. i went and sat on old main hill underneath the lit up A for a solid half an hour and just thought about all the things i'm worried and scared about. i'm so ready to move on- but i honestly don't know if i can. i think i'm ready to sort through everything and figure my shit out- but that scares me. i will take things slow if i need to- but i can't keep sitting here, just waiting for things to work out on their own. it's making me lose my mind.

i guess the first step is to recognize that having a really hard time is just part of life, and it happens. no one has the same situation, and it's so easy for me to get mad at people who don't take me seriously because their life is so easy compared to mine. as far as flexibility goes, i'm pretty rigid. i am so resistant to change- especially when ideas and beliefs that i've held onto for so long make it harder on me to accept what's going on and to just bend and go with the flow of things. i'm slowly learning that it's okay to be sad, and unsure, and scared, and even uncomfortable with living. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.

i'm scared out of my mind. i don't know what's going to happen to me or my family in the next year, but i really do believe that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. it might not be the way i want them to turn out, but somehow, all the puzzle pieces are going to be put together and it's going to be fine. i'm not okay right now. but i will be, and i really have my friends to thank for that. they have become my family here in logan. they take really awesome care of me. they always know when to call, and when to come pick me up, and when to tell me to sit down and re-evaluate my life. i don't think they each know how much they mean to me- because i can't do this by myself. i'm working on it. i really am.

a close friend told me the quote up there a few days ago, and i haven't been able to quit thinking about it since for a few reasons. sunrises are special- much more so than sunsets. anyone can see a sunset, but you have to work for a sunrise. not everyone is seeing the kind of beauty you're seeing in those ten minutes that the sun comes up and starts the day. not only is each morning a new start, but the way you start your mornings sets the pace and tone for the rest of your day. and you know what? if the sun can get up every day, so can i. it's a renewal.

every day is a learning & growing experience.
am i happy? or even okay? no, not always.
do i believe that everything happens for a reason? yes.
do i believe that everything will work out in the end? yes.
every day is hard. some days are harder than others, but i make it through.
i made it through yesterday, i made it through today, and i can make it through tomorrow.
don't worry everyone. i'm still breathing.

love always
jess

life lessons suck sometimes.

today i'm grateful for the people i know, but especially for two guys in particular.

one walked into my life on complete accident. 

we met through mutual friends one weekend & to be honest, i never expected to hear from him again but we stayed in contact. a month later, after the worst day of my life to date, when no one else was there (literally), he stopped by to pick me up, dust me off and tell me everything was going to be okay. i'm grateful that he stepped and and gave me a few friendly &loving slaps to let me know that i was still alive, crap happens, and life was going to move on. he's become one of the best friends i've ever had to date, and i'm so glad he puts up with my bitchy days, crazy days, sad days, happy days, and all the days in between. several heart to heart conversations and about a hundred card games later, i finally feel much better about life. i wish i could say that things are the same as they were... i can't though. but wanna know something? i'm okay with that. i'm doing good.

the other i met a few weeks after he got back from serving an lds mission. 

he's an awesome guy. seriously amazing. spiritual, funny, not bad looking at all, and is a blast to hang out with & talk to. we went on a date or two, and got along great, but after realizing my life was not in the order it needed to be to carry on a relationship, i treated him kind of awful. i mean, i was my worst self at one point with him. there's no excuse, but i needed a reason for us to stop talking and i guess it worked. i haven't talked to him for a few weeks, and i feel really bad about that. but, the reason i'm grateful for him today is because he helped me realize that there are some things in my life that need to change. i need to get some shiz together and grow up a little bit. so, i thank him for that. 

its crazy to me how much people can teach you about yourself without even knowing it. every person i've met so far this summer has taught me a lesson, probably without me or them even knowing it. but, both of these guys has taught me that life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. and my life really is wonderful. i don't have much to complain about.

lastly, if you're reading this, thank you, no matter what role you play in my life. thank you for keeping me in check, loving me, helping me out. thank you for ignoring me, driving me absolutely insane. thank you for making me want to punch you in the face because you're so stupid. thank you for not hating me after i say something rude without meaning it. thank you for giving me a hug when i need it, talking to me for hours on the phone, sending me a funny picture because it reminded me of something we did together. i'm learning and growing every day. 

thank you. 

xoxo

jessica :)