Sunday, July 1, 2012

im not perfect.

there have been a few things on my mind lately, and i just thought i'd spill.

(warning. you are in no way required to read about my troubles. its just some serious brain vomit that has been building up for a really long time and apparently its cool to air your dirty laundry on your blog. also. there may or may not be some.. uh, choice language in this post. so thats that.)

i am very ready to go to college.
i want to sort of re-invent myself.
obviously, i'll always be jessica, no matter what. i know who i am and what i believe and there's nothing that can really change the fundamentals. but for some reason lately (and i'm not really sure if its just me or if all graduated seniors feel like this) i feel like i have to force a smile for some people, or force a relationship that i don't really want. i want to sort of clip away the people on the fringes that don't uplift me but at the same time, they all have played a role in my life and i want to like, i don't know how else to say this, hoard them?

that sounds super weird, right?
i feel like i just can't let them go.

i really want to have a fresh start in college without a lot of the baggage that high school packs on your back.

which brings me to my next topic.

a boy.
who i liked very very much at one point.
we still have a lingering frelationship (i def just made that word up but what'er) and i am having a seriously hard time telling him to hit the road. he's really not the kind of friend that i need anymore and he and i have both changed so drastically that every time i talk to him i end up feeling self conscious or embarrassed or frustrated about something. i think that the reason i'm having a hard time is because (1) we did have feelings for each other at some point, which are obviously gone and (2) because i'm afraid of someones feelings be irreparably damaged, either his or mine. whoops. i know what i have to say to him & hopefully i can just say hey, nice knowing you, see you sometime hopefully never. 

on to the next issue.

i will be the first one to admit that i am in no way perfect. at all. in any way, shape, or form. but, i'm okay with that because i know that i'm human and thats how humans are.
that does not, i repeat, does not give you the right to act all self righteous and holier than thou. you know who you are. you've made some of the exact same mistakes i have, and you chose to handle them a different way than i did. not necessarily a worse way or a better way, just a different way. and i've come to grips with the fact that i do make mistakes, but i've also come to grips with the fact that i can change how my mistakes affect myself and people around me. so don't even be like that. you're not better than me, or worse than me, you're just different. and that's okay, even though i want to text you back and tell you you're being a dick face.

but i won't.

even though i want to.

so that's whats going on in the brain of jessica today... but mostly i still feel like asd'if'sIGASIFJA;SIa;ALSKDJFA;SLIFAN;OWNAAa;lsdkfja;eia;woieaghowiba.


ps. props to you if you actually read this. haha.

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