i love horses, taking care of animals, and playing the guitar.
lately, i've really been focusing on myself and making sure i'm doing as good as i'd like to be. so, that means a lot of horse therapy, music lessons, and helping out the vet students. i'm busy from 10 am until 10 pm most days, but i love it more than i can really say. it's amazing how much doing what you love can help you heal.
every once in a while there will be calm spots, but large stretches of river are rapids, of all sizes.
there will be good times in each of our lives; times when things seem to work out perfectly. it's a calm stretch where everything fits together, pieces fall into place and being content simply means sitting back and enjoying the scenery. then, there are the rapids. some will be small, and you simply have to hold on tight for a second until you're over the rough patch, but others will be class five rapids that leave you hanging on to whatever you can with the tips of your fingers for what seems like eternities. i've had rapids in my life that leave my mind and body numb and exhausted because i've just been trying to survive for so long, just like bracing yourself to travel down intense rapids would.
looking at this river from the bank or an overlook, it's beautiful and awe inspiring. looking at the river from the middle of a little plastic raft... well it could be downright terrifying.
being in the middle of a series of rapids is scary.
taking a step back towards the bank and realizing that the journey we're taking down the river is incredible is a crucial part of our spiritual, physical, and mental growth. keeping a heavenly perspective is so important, yet so often forgotten. i know i forget to step back all the time, but it's alright because i have a river guide that shows me the safest routes around the sharp rocks, eddies, and logs that could drag me under.
trusting your river guide is a leap of faith sometimes. God knows that we're scared, and we just want to be in a calm stretch again. however, he also knows that traveling down the hard road will teach us things we couldn't have learned any other way.
this week, i'm working on trusting my river guide more fully. after all, he knows my river better than i do.
they probably don't realize how amazing they are and how much they mean to me, but all i can say is that i'm so ready for a hell of a year with these ladies.
i like that i wear too much camo, that my boots track mud everywhere and it drives my roommates crazy, that i could care less about what people are saying about me. i like that i don't have to pretend i'm something that i'm not, and people like me for who i am. i like that i have a relationship with Christ & that he's with me no matter what i do or where i go, that i have the strength and ability to do what's right without worrying about what those around me are trying to convince me to do. i like that i'm best friends with my little brother, and that i'm confident in my talents and abilities. i like that i know i can work hard and follow through with what i say i'm going to do. but really, i'm glad i'm just me. :)
every morning, i watch the sun rise out of this barn door. some days it's hidden from fog, or rain or snow clouds. on a really cold, clear day, you get a sunrise that looks like this. other days, with just a few clouds, there are beautiful colors thrown.
some days it rises earlier, some days it rises later. but the important part is,
it always rises.
the early hours of the morning are always spiritual for me. they're quiet and beautiful and so peaceful. my mind is always the most calm first thing in the morning, and things always make the most sense. i usually have my best ideas, solve my hardest problems, do the most difficult things early in the morning.
i have been stressed out of my mind lately. i'm good at putting up a good front, because it's easier to just tell people that you're okay than to explain what's worrying you. today at work, around 5:30am, i was sitting on the guard rail of one of the tie stalls waiting for one of the girls to bring in a load of straw. it was quiet, i was the only one in the barn. i was just sitting still, looking around and kind of dreading the work that needed to be done, when a couple of little birds flew down from the rafters and sat in the straw right in front of me. they picked up some straw with their beaks, hopping around and chirping. they sounded so happy i couldn't help but smile. i had a really comforting thought come to me. it said, "your Heavenly Father cares about these little birds, and their well being. He cares about the cows you take care of. He even cares about those who have forgotten about him. What makes you think he doesn't care about you? He loves you. Always has, and always will."
it was such a perfect time for me to realize that i am so blessed. i have incredible parents who i am so lucky to be close to. i have two awesome brothers and a little sister who i love. my life is good. i have my struggles just like everyone else, and sometimes i feel like no one could understand. it's in these little moments that i remember that i'm never alone. i have thanked my heavenly father over and over again this week for the way things are falling into place. i couldn't be happier.
if you're anything like me, you hate that word. something about the sound of it, and the memories of dumb leadership seminars and young women's lessons make me hate the word "goal". i have heard the words "take some time to write down long and short term goals on this piece of paper" so many dang times it makes me want to punch a wall. the mere mention of someone telling me to make goals makes me want to do the exact opposite, and have absolutely no goals. (it's my belligerent side coming out).
lately though, i've realized why adults put so much pressure on young people to write down what they want to do with their life. having long and short term goals makes doing the things you want to do more fun, and more importantly, it gives you the strength and insight to fight through the hard times.
it gives you the ability to wake up at 4am every day for 6 hours of work
& still be able to stay on top of your classes.
it makes the days spent covered in horse & cow crap much more bearable.
it helps you learn to appreciate a good night's sleep.
the days spent working outside in the below freezing weather go by quicker,
and sore muscles and a tired mind recuperate quicker.
the way i see it, you can either let your life defeat you or you can let your life teach you how to grow and become a strong, hard working, brave, kind, resilient person. to me, having the long term goals constantly in sight (along with a heavy dose of faith) makes all the hard, terrible, exhausting days worth it. i know exactly what i want, and i know i'm getting closer every day.
look how dang beautiful my home is. and look at that beautiful temple. i sure love this place.
i've never really been one to be openly spiritual, or one to share personal spiritual experiences without being prompted or asked. but, there are some things i've been thinking about lately that are just amazing and i feel like should be shared.
YOU WILL NEVER BE LEFT WITHOUT A PLACE TO TURN. i have found this to be more true than i ever thought it would be in the last couple months. someone might show up out of the blue and say, "here, let me help you," or situations might miraculously work out that just a day before seemed hopeless. and, when nothing else works, listen really closely with your heart. your father in heaven is probably trying to tell you something. but it doesn't really matter which way help comes, it just matters that it always will. THE EARTH IS A BEAUTIFUL, MIRACULOUS, AMAZING, PERFECT PLACE.
i've decided that i love being up before the sun rises, and before the birds even start singing, and watching the sun rise. i am so lucky. working out at the barns has just solidified my love for animals, nature, and hard work. there is something infinitely remarkable and satisfying about the partnership that humans have with these animals. sometimes i swear at them and call them stupid, but i really do love them. i couldn't be any more blessed that every morning is spent around these horses and cows that i love so much. i have witnessed some seriously amazing things in those barns, and i truly believe that our relationship with god can be made stronger through spending time with his creations.
THERE IS NO ONE YOU CAN'T LOVE ONCE YOU KNOW THEIR STORY.
incidents and trials in my life have changed me in a lot of ways in the last year or so. i've become less trusting and i usually assume the worst about people at first. it's not a very good way to live, but this new semester in school has already shown me that there really is no one you can't love once you know their story. now that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't annoy you & you don't want to smack them every time you hear their voice, it just means that you understand that they have had trials in their life that have shaped them, just like you've had some that have shaped you, and that they're doing their best.
really though, my life is kind of a mess right now but it doesn't even matter. i just feel so blessed, that there isn't any room in my heart for stress or unkindness or anxiety. and that's all.
quite frankly, i think new years resolutions are crap. they set people up for disappointment and most of the time aren't realistic. however, i do think that feasible lifestyle changes and habits that you want to create are fabulous. there are some things i want to do and change this year as well. i want to live by the slogan "love everyone & be indispensable".
lose the 20 pounds that snuck up on me this last year. yuck.
drink less coke, drink more water.
ride more horses, go on more drives, get a little muddier.
i want to go running more than the one or two times a week i'm doing right now.
i'm going to make sure everything i say is uplifting and real.
i'm done being "fake nice" to those around me that i have a hard time getting along with.
i'm going to genuinely love people.
i know it will make a difference in my life.
this year, i'm going to make more friends and jam to more music.
i'm going to spread my talents and conquer a couple of fears.
i'm going to make amends and turn nineteen.
i will think before i speak.
maybe travel a little bit and maybe find myself a boyfriend.
i'm going to quit being rude and start being kind.
it's been a year exactly since i started this blog. so much has happened since then.
i've done so much growing up, it almost makes me sick to think about it.
right now, i'm at a place that i never thought i would be at.
things have happened to my family that i never thought would happen.
i've become stronger.
more thoughtful.
more understanding.
less judgemental.
more flexible.
2012 sucked, lets just be honest. but, despite that, i'm very grateful for all the personal growth that has occurred from the trials.
it's been a year since today that this blog has been up.
in exactly a year, the jessica story has gotten exactly 10,000 pageviews. that's more than my first blog had in the whole six years i had it. you guys are awesome.
so, lets take a look at this year, shall we?
JANUARY
- went to see brad paisley, the band perry, and scotty mccreery at the idaho center with dear chas. probably the best concert i've seen to date.
so that's about it! this year was definitely a year of extremes- both the extreme good and the extreme bad, but you know what? i am beyond grateful for how much this year has pushed me, stretched me, broke me down and built me up. i am so excited for what this next year has to bring!
well i've had this nasty cough & drainage crap going on for like a month, so today i finally went into the doctor. apparently, i have a clogged drain from my ear to my throat and so all the fluid is backed up into my ear causing other issues like a bacterial infection in my respiratory system. hooray.
and so i got an allergy shot and an antibiotic. did i mention i'm supposed to go camping tomorrow? yeah fat chance.
and, my body is sore from riding so hard yesterday. if y'all don't know, horseback riding is most definitely a sport, especially when your horse decides to curl her neck under to avoid the bit and run as fast as she can and jump over random objects... yeah it was bad. i thought about falling off but i didn't. hehe.
i know a lot people are worried & aren't all the way informed so i figured i'd do a little (haha.. little) post about it.
but.
there's too much happening. i don't even know where to start..
1) a long time ago, my dad refused to do some huge business work for some really prominent people because it wasn't honest. ever since then, they've been trying to get back at him for 'hurting' their operations.
2) two weeks ago the fbi showed up on our doorstep at 6:45 in the morning and arrested my dad on charges of pension fraud, which are totally untrue. some people managed to twist information around in order to make it look like he was guilty. he did nothing wrong. he spend overnight in jail and then was let out with an ankle monitor. yeah, my dad's under house arrest. no big deal. (ever seen the tv show white collar? it looks just like that.)
3) its a really long and complicated and sickening story, but our home was stolen out from under us illegally, but there's nothing we can do to prove it right now. innocent until proven guilty? please. its more like guilty until proven innocent. we had an agreement that we could stay in our house until graduation and then we could move out. yesterday at 2pm, they showed up with an eviction notice saying we had 24 hours to be out of our house. (which, btw, is illegal.. its the law in idaho that you have 72 hours to pack up and move. but whatever.)
4) we had to find places to put our horses, dogs, rabbits, and chickens. they're all spread out at multiple different places with multiple different amazing families. that was the first issue. our friends brought their horse trailer over and we loaded up and took them to their home. they're staying there for a while. right after i got home from that, i found my best friend and her sister in my room. they'd started to pack for me.
needless to say, i lost it.
i've never cried so hard in my life.
the worst feeling ever is knowing that you don't have a home to go home to. like really? its gut wrenching. imagine feeling scared of the scariest thing in your life times four.
it is such a blessing to have so many people that are willing to go out of their way to help us.
5) right now, i'm staying with my best friend and her family. i love them just as much as my real family. my life is currently spread out between like five people's homes. my shoes are at one house, all my clean clothes are at another, all my dirty clothes are at still another, and my makeup, two pairs of yoga pants and various t-shirts are with me. yeah, it sucks but i'm alright.
my extended family is awesome too. they're such a support to us right now.
a lot of people have asked about my plans for this summer.
i'm moving down (up?) to logan as soon as possible to get a job, and i'm actually super excited. (don't get me wrong, still plenty nervous but still really excited.) i'm planning on starting school in the fall as usual.
also. i have a small favor.
if you're in the boise or logan area and know anyone that's selling a small car with good gas mileage pretty cheap.. let me know :) i'm not taking my truck with me because it's expensive and hard to park in small college parking lots.
honestly, i've been thinking about civility for a while.
i read a post on jessie's blog about an essay that her roommate wrote about civility for her american heritage class at byu.
it was fabulous, go check it.
lately, every time i open up facebook, i see people fighting with each other.
about everything.
her boyfriend, his girlfriend, she's a brat, he's a jerk, she offended you, yadda yadda.
it's like it's a contest to see who can be the most witty (& borderline rude) to see who can win the 'fight'.
so, the person who can be the meanest is liked the most?
what?
is it because we're afraid that they'll turn on us next time we express our opinion?
or because we're afraid we'll be labeled as 'fake' if we are genuinely nice to people?
didn't we leave bullying alone freshman year?
sometimes i'm guilty of being like this too. (i've never been in a fb fight though. haha.)
sometimes i'm sarcastic and rude just because it's funny.
(& lets be honest here, it is funny.)
but, today, i decided to change that.
lets leave the fb fights & the rude snarky comments
in the garbage where they belong.
i don't want to be the girl that people say, oh, she's rude.
it is absolutely not okay with me that i might make a joke at someone else's expense.
thomas jefferson said that civility is "one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility."
c'mon, guys.
we're so much better than this.
we don't need to be rude to people around us.
it's become the norm to be rude to other people.
i want to change it.
is it really so hard to just be civil?
no. no, it's not.
you don't have to like everyone you meet.
you don't have to agree with the people who share their opinions with you.
in fact, it's okay to disagree.
that's what the united states is about,
its a marketplace of ideas.
there's a HUGE difference between swearing at someone and telling them what a brat they are for thinking a certain way, and saying "okay, i understand that. i disagree, but thanks for sharing your opinion."
that's all it takes.
just be polite.
the world will thank you for it.
after all,
wouldn't you rather be civil for free now,
than be rude and pay for it with your integrity & friendships later?
a huge majority of my friends graduated last year and are partying away at college this year. the other half are juniors this year, and that leaves me with the seven (yes, seven) of my good friends that are seniors. it's a little sad that i can count them on two hands.
but i'm okay with it.
wanna know why?
(i'm going to tell you anyways.)
i'm okay with that because i know who my real friends are. they're the ones that check up on me without me calling and saying anything. they're the ones who tell me what's up, and when i need to quit acting like a brat. they're the ones who tell me my makeup is horribly smeared all across my nose (it happens often.) basically, it was hard to weed through all the people who pretended to be my friends but then would ditch me or decide that it would be funny to be rude to me, but it was so worth it.
on math.
i am so terrible at math, guys. like, disgustingly bad at it. nothing stresses me out more than having to go to calc class. people always say "oh well you're in AP calculus so you must be smart.." well sure i'm in an advanced math class but i'm one of the ones who plops herself in the middle of all the smart kids. ha.
on college.
i have this great roommate, and i've gotten scholarships & cookbooks & pots & pans & lots of other really great stuff. and i'm really really so so excited. and a little nervous. but lets be honest, i'll probably cry every night for the first week. but i'm so excited.
i'm practicing cooking and making my bed and being a problem solver and things like that.
i read this post last week and thought i'd do the same.
"girls. have. self. esteem. issues.
and thats a fact.
i don't care who you are, what you look like, how much you weigh or what everybody else thinks of you. odds are, you have some sort of issue with your self esteem.
you wish you had better hair, a clearer complexion, you wish you were skinnier or tanner of lighter, you lish you had straight teeth, white teeth. you wish your eyes were different. you wish you were taller, shorter, you hate your feet, legs, arms, stomachs, yadda yadda yadda.
but believe it or not- that girl you're comparing yourself to?
she's comparing herself to someone else, wishing that she looked like her.
i do it too. but no matter what kind of surgery i have, i'll never have legs like carrie underwood or have a body like jessica alba. its a waste of life to wish you looked like someone else. because sometimes, the person you wished you look like, probably doesn't even look like that at all. take a look."
"happiness does not depend on what happens on the outside, but on the inside of you."
gordon b. hinckley
"self esteem does not come from having expensive clothes, perfect hair, perfect teeth, being super skinny, bubbly, sexy, whatever. self esteem comes from having confidence in yourself, just the way you are.
self esteem comes from the inside out, not the outside in."
& if you don't believe me,
take it from the boys.
i asked some of my friends to answer these three questions:
1) what do you look for in a girl?
2) would you rather the girl make the first move? what's boys' biggest insecurities when it comes to girls?
3) how important is it that a girl has confidence and personality to you?
this is what they said.
jason. i look for girls that have really good personalities. for me, if they have crappy personalities, they're unattractive, even if they're super hot. i also like when they have a nice sense of humor and share the same standards as me. i also want the to feel good about themselves and not bring themselves down with negative comments towards themselves. i feel like its harder to ask out girls that i don't really know and boys don't want to come across as players. if you want to get to know a guy, just do it. we won't be weirded out or anything.
anonymous. looks are definitely not what matters most. personally, i think that personality and maturity are what make a girl stand out above the others. most importantly, i look for a happy girl that's at peace with herself. its so easy to recognize her real personality just by the way she smiles. this sounds cliche but the simple things make all the difference. too much makeup is ugly. it bothers me alot when girls feel like they have to cake their faces to feel pretty. even worse is when girls put themselves down to try to fish for compliments. i think its okay for girls to make the first move, but they need to be okay with boys not being interested. i don't think girls realize how much the boys actually care about hurting the girl's feelings. i think a boy's biggest insecurities are worrying that they scare girls off. haha. dropping hints is good too, and remember we can't read your mind! personality is so important, its what makes people fun to be around. confidence makes it easier to see the personality, but overconfidence is a turn off. i think confidence also affects the way girls present themselves. more confident girls tend to be more modest, which does us guys a huge favor. its so uncomfortable trying to talk to a girl who's not wearing any clothes. honestly, modesty helps bring a friendship to a higher level, because its easier to focus on personality instead of how they look.
sam g. her eyes are the first thing that i notice about her. i don't think that girls should make the first move. if they do, it makes us look weak. i think how we look is sometime our biggest insecurity. also, personality and confidence are 90% of how we look at girls- its key.
jarrad. i look for a great smile and a sharp, funny, playful sense of humor. if she can't take a joke, then forget it. i think the boy should make the first move if a relationship is clearly wanted by both people. i think that guy's biggest insecurity is definitely looks, even when it doesn't really matter. confidence and personality are 100% of a girl. her personality has to be robust and genuine. if she doesn't have confidence in herself, her personality won't project who she truly is.
alessandro. in a girl, i look at her eyes and her smile and her sweetness. i would say that if a girl texts first then it lets us know that she's interested!! i feel like too many girls lack confidence, and so yes its a key part of how we see young women around us.
landon. i notice a girls hair first. if her hair looks amazing, she's got my attention. girls should definitely drop hints or help us out in some ways, because we're kinda dumb when it comes to taking hints. i think personality is everything. and confidence is what she thinks of herself. if she doesn't think highly of herself, then why should i?
jesse. although looks are the first thing a guy sees, it doesn't mean that its the attribute he values the most. a girl can be "totally hawt" but a real jerk and no guy will like her (and if one does, they're extremely shallow and you don't want anything to do with them anyway.) likewise, a girl may not be the prettiest, but if she's enjoyable, she can be very attractive. i think it'd be amazing if the responsibility of being the asker of dates was placed on both the girl and the guy. just because you're a girl doesn't mean a guy will be offended if you ask him out. i don't think they get how nerve racking it is alot of the time to ask a girl out. if you don't have the nerves to ask a guy out, drop hints to try to get the guy to ask you (but be aware that we're terrible at taking hints.) i think guy's biggest insecurity is that if they come off as desperate/jerkish/annoying/uncool to a girl, their "reputation" can spread like a freakin' wildfire. i hate it when a girl insults herself and then refuses any compliment given to cheer her up. just take the stupid compliment. although, i'm pretty sure these girls don't even mean half the things they say about themselves, they're just fishing for compliments. but your personality is huge.
anonymous. i look for a girl who's classy, unafraid, and who was a good sense of humor. girls need to not pair off or stay in groups- its hard for us to get into a conversation with them and its just plain intimidating to approach them. i think that girls should feel confident with he way they LIKE looking and acting. but to be too outwardly confident i think is considered arrogance in most situations. personality means everything, but girls need to show their own personality, and not what they think the guys will be pleased with. also, i think girls shouldn't be afraid to be more inclusive with boys. hang out with us!!!
cardston. i definitely look for girls that are outgoing, love to laugh, and goof off alot. eyes and smiles are huge. same with hair. change it up, straight hair everyday gets boring. girls should let boys that they're interested. guys are clueless. i think confidence is huge, because i don't want a girl that's always down or hard on herself.
jacob. it depends on the girl. if she's drop dead gorgeous then yeah, i'm going to notice looks first. but personality makes the girl no matter how good looking she is. if she's easy to talk to (responds to you kindly and with emotional investment) and loves to laugh i notice that alot. guys should make the first move (but girls should be a little more obvious (we're not all that bright). how important is personality and confidence? 100%. if she has no personality or a bad one, then i don't want anything to do with her. sorry, sucks to hear, but that's not who i would want to marry or date.
sam s. girls don't have to have a perfect body, but she has to take care of herself. unless she has a good personality (polite, friendly, and likes to laugh) then i don't stay interested. i don't mind it if a girl texts me first, i mean, obviously it means she's interested enough to start a conversation. if she has a bad personality there's really no point in trying to pursue a relationship, it would be so boring. if she doesn't have confidence in herself, then how can i have confidence in her?
shane. every guy looks for the same perfect combination of intelligence, attractiveness, athleticism, musicality, charm, wit, and humor. i don't really see things in terns of first moves. i think its a mutual thing when you go in to hold her hand for the first time or whatever it is. honestly, it should be very obvious that she wants it to happen (again returning to the theme that boys are kinda slow.) our biggest insecurity would be not being able to tell if she likes you for a variety of reasons. she could be really sweet and flirty but maybe she's like that with everybody, she might be shy, she might have really dry humor, it just all depends. but thats why we fall for certain people and not others. confidence and personality are 100% everything. that doesn't mean i want her screaming her opinions in my face all the time but she has to be her own unique, confident person.
austin. i look for a girl who's herself, a girl who can be her in front of anyone. looks are definitely a factor when first meeting, not to be shallow. i'm not a shallow person, seeing as how i've had less relationships than my 12 year old brother. there are girls that starve themselves and girls that can eat a big mac. i prefer the latter of the two, i prefer girls that are fit and have an appetite to match mine. to of the biggest deal breakers are their personality & what they can take. if they're outgoing and willing to do stuff out of the norm, thats a plus. and if she can't take mine or my family's humor, then she's out of luck. if she isn't willing to go skydiving with me when we're seventy, or travel the world and live as the people do when we travel, i'd rather just be friends.
blake. her smile. it doesn't have to be the perfect smile, it just has to be there and shared with the world. a warm, loving smile that makes everyone else happy. and especially one that makes me smile no matter what else is going on. the girl shouldn't have to feel like she needs to make the first move. the guy should man up and do it if he really truly likes her. guys need to take that responsibility and make something happen if they want it to. i think girls like guys that will sweep them off their feet and carry them when there's a river to cross in life. the guy needs to provide that security and trust. confidence and personality are a must. a girl must be able to be on her own, even if she really isn't on her own.
jacob h. my input to all of the questions is just that as long as a girl takes care of herself and is nice, any guy can fall in love with her. you just have to take the time to get to know each other.
and so, ladies, there you have it.
i am extremely lucky to call these boys my friends- they give me hope for the male race. but honestly- start tomorrow. change how you look at yourself. get yourself out of bed and tell yourself that you're beautiful. carry yourself with the knowledge that you're amazing and no one else can be as you as you are.
everybody can't and shouldn't be the same type of beautiful. so find your own. and OWN it. every. day.
maybe, we can stop living in a world where everybody wished they were someone else and are glad that they're unique.
after all,
wouldn't you rather be a first rate version of yourself, and not a second rate version of someone else?
love always,
jessica :)
i want this post to reach as many girls as it can. if you feel so inclined to share this message, please do! and as you share it, encourage others to share it as well!! think about the change we could make if we kept this going. i hope this post reaches every girl who needs it: because every girl deserves to feel beautiful.
a shout out to carmina joy
and all the fabulous boys that helped out.
love you all!
