still alive.

hey guess what? i'm still alive over here. it's been a rough couple months, and if i haven't kept in touch so well, i'm sorry. things are definitely moving forward, and i'm glad that they are. change is always hard, but i learned that it's even harder when you don't accept it and go with it. the more you fight it, the harder it gets. acknowledging that God has put you in a situation for your own benefit makes all the difference. He knew i was strong enough to struggle through the summer, and i'm so blessed to have learned such valuable lessons. i've changed for the better- i'm stronger, more flexible and true to myself. 

sometimes it seems like bracing your feet and turning your back to the wind makes it all better, but holy cow does it only make it worse. touche, life. lesson learned. 

so pretty much... i'm just glad i'm back to feeling like myself. i've had a lot of friends make blogs lately and i'm absolutely loving reading what everyone has to say about their life experiences right now. so, yall should keep it up. haha.

xoxo

jessica

life lessons suck sometimes.

today i'm grateful for the people i know, but especially for two guys in particular.

one walked into my life on complete accident. 

we met through mutual friends one weekend & to be honest, i never expected to hear from him again but we stayed in contact. a month later, after the worst day of my life to date, when no one else was there (literally), he stopped by to pick me up, dust me off and tell me everything was going to be okay. i'm grateful that he stepped and and gave me a few friendly &loving slaps to let me know that i was still alive, crap happens, and life was going to move on. he's become one of the best friends i've ever had to date, and i'm so glad he puts up with my bitchy days, crazy days, sad days, happy days, and all the days in between. several heart to heart conversations and about a hundred card games later, i finally feel much better about life. i wish i could say that things are the same as they were... i can't though. but wanna know something? i'm okay with that. i'm doing good.

the other i met a few weeks after he got back from serving an lds mission. 

he's an awesome guy. seriously amazing. spiritual, funny, not bad looking at all, and is a blast to hang out with & talk to. we went on a date or two, and got along great, but after realizing my life was not in the order it needed to be to carry on a relationship, i treated him kind of awful. i mean, i was my worst self at one point with him. there's no excuse, but i needed a reason for us to stop talking and i guess it worked. i haven't talked to him for a few weeks, and i feel really bad about that. but, the reason i'm grateful for him today is because he helped me realize that there are some things in my life that need to change. i need to get some shiz together and grow up a little bit. so, i thank him for that. 

its crazy to me how much people can teach you about yourself without even knowing it. every person i've met so far this summer has taught me a lesson, probably without me or them even knowing it. but, both of these guys has taught me that life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. and my life really is wonderful. i don't have much to complain about.

lastly, if you're reading this, thank you, no matter what role you play in my life. thank you for keeping me in check, loving me, helping me out. thank you for ignoring me, driving me absolutely insane. thank you for making me want to punch you in the face because you're so stupid. thank you for not hating me after i say something rude without meaning it. thank you for giving me a hug when i need it, talking to me for hours on the phone, sending me a funny picture because it reminded me of something we did together. i'm learning and growing every day. 

thank you. 

xoxo

jessica :)

makin plans.

i'm getting old. i kind of hate it, but at the same time it's so exciting.

i hate that everything is so expensive.

having weekends off of work is so much more fun than working.

sleepovers are a blast and a half even when you're 19 years old.

wanna know what else?

i'm living with this girl next year. i am beyond pumped. 

life is good & i really have nothing else to say.

xoxo

jessica :)

kind of awesome.

i tend to forget that it's in the small things that heavenly father works amazing miracles. 

because i don't believe in giving up on people.

if you were going to ask me what my weaknesses are, you'd have to pull up a comfortable chair and be prepared to stay for a while. 

seriously. 

especially in the past few months, there have been times when i've told myself that i was going to make changes, and then find myself reverting, and it's the most frustrating thing to me. i mean honestly, it shouldn't be so hard to make changes in my life especially because i have such an amazing support system of friends, parents, grandparents & other family that are there constantly encouraging and believing in me. but it is hard. and it's a constant battle with myself. 

what i worry the most about is not having enough faith that one day, Heavenly Father will be able to change that & transform my weaknesses into strengths. but, i know that He gives us weaknesses for a reason, and if He won't give up on me, someone who is so imperfect it hurts, then why would i give up on anyone else? some days, you're gonna feel like nothing is going right and it's not even worth it to try, and i know exactly how you feel, because i feel the same way a lot of the time. and it's okay. one day, after all the trials and conflicts, it's gonna be alright. i promise. 

we are human. 

we're stupid, impulsive, crave instant gratification, and temporal. but, we're also wonderful, incredible, beings that have amazing potential to become just like our Father. and i think that's awesome.

nobody is a hopeless case. if Heavenly Father's not going to give up on you, than neither am i. 

xoxo

jess:)

sunday.

have an awesome sunday you guys.
xoxo

i like me.

i like who i'm becoming. 

i like that i wear too much camo, that my boots track mud everywhere and it drives my roommates crazy, that i could care less about what people are saying about me. i like that i don't have to pretend i'm something that i'm not, and people like me for who i am. i like that i have a relationship with Christ & that he's with me no matter what i do or where i go, that i have the strength and ability to do what's right without worrying about what those around me are trying to convince me to do. i like that i'm best friends with my little brother, and that i'm confident in my talents and abilities. i like that i know i can work hard and follow through with what i say i'm going to do. but really, i'm glad i'm just me. :)

xo

jess

the sun always rises.

every morning, i watch the sun rise out of this barn door. some days it's hidden from fog, or rain or snow clouds. on a really cold, clear day, you get a sunrise that looks like this. other days, with just a few clouds, there are beautiful colors thrown. 

some days it rises earlier, some days it rises later. but the important part is, 

it always rises. 

the early hours of the morning are always spiritual for me. they're quiet and beautiful and so peaceful. my mind is always the most calm first thing in the morning, and things always make the most sense. i usually have my best ideas, solve my hardest problems, do the most difficult things early in the morning. 

i have been stressed out of my mind lately. i'm good at putting up a good front, because it's easier to just tell people that you're okay than to explain what's worrying you. today at work, around 5:30am, i was sitting on the guard rail of one of the tie stalls waiting for one of the girls to bring in a load of straw. it was quiet, i was the only one in the barn. i was just sitting still, looking around and kind of dreading the work that needed to be done, when a couple of little birds flew down from the rafters and sat in the straw right in front of me. they picked up some straw with their beaks, hopping around and chirping. they sounded so happy i couldn't help but smile. i had a really comforting thought come to me. it said, "your Heavenly Father cares about these little birds, and their well being. He cares about the cows you take care of. He even cares about those who have forgotten about him. What makes you think he doesn't care about you? He loves you. Always has, and always will."

it was such a perfect time for me to realize that i am so blessed. i have incredible parents who i am so lucky to be close to. i have two awesome brothers and a little sister who i love. my life is good. i have my struggles just like everyone else, and sometimes i feel like no one could understand. it's in these little moments that i remember that i'm never alone. i have thanked my heavenly father over and over again this week for the way things are falling into place. i couldn't be happier.

xoxo

jessica

what a life i live

i am so. happy.

i really believe that having a life you love is blurring the line between work and play.

i have an amazing job. it's not glamorous and i get sweaty and dirty but i'm doing what i love. i have amazing classes that let me hang out with horses all day, almost every day, and i am constantly learning new things. i have the greatest friends who check on me to make sure i haven't fallen off the face of the earth (thanks melia) & boys who send me texts that make me smile. i love when you can feel heavenly father putting pieces in place in your life. that's what He's doing in mine, and i am so grateful for it. He knows what i need more than i do, and i'm really loving the way things are turning out. so much. i can't remember the last time i felt so happy. :)

xoxo

jessica

it's all about the long term.

GOALS. 

if you're anything like me, you hate that word. something about the sound of it, and the memories of dumb leadership seminars and young women's lessons make me hate the word "goal". i have heard the words "take some time to write down long and short term goals on this piece of paper" so many dang times it makes me want to punch a wall. the mere mention of someone telling me to make goals makes me want to do the exact opposite, and have absolutely no goals. (it's my belligerent side coming out).

lately though, i've realized why adults put so much pressure on young people to write down what they want to do with their life. having long and short term goals makes doing the things you want to do more fun, and more importantly, it gives you the strength and insight to fight through the hard times. 

it gives you the ability to wake up at 4am every day for 6 hours of work 

& still be able to stay on top of your classes. 

it makes the days spent covered in horse & cow crap much more bearable. 

it helps you learn to appreciate a good night's sleep. 

the days spent working outside in the below freezing weather go by quicker, 

and sore muscles and a tired mind recuperate quicker. 

the way i see it, you can either let your life defeat you or you can let your life teach you how to grow and become a strong, hard working, brave, kind, resilient person. to me, having the long term goals constantly in sight (along with a heavy dose of faith) makes all the hard, terrible, exhausting days worth it. i know exactly what i want, and i know i'm getting closer every day.

i love the direction my life is headed, 

and i'm excited for the future.

xoxo

jess.

wow.

it's been a year exactly since i started this blog.
so much has happened since then.
i've done so much growing up, it almost makes me sick to think about it.
right now, i'm at a place that i never thought i would be at.
things have happened to my family that i never thought would happen.
i've become stronger.
more thoughtful.
more understanding.
less judgemental.
more flexible.
2012 sucked, lets just be honest. but, despite that, i'm very grateful for all the personal growth that has occurred from the trials.

it's been a year since today that this blog has been up.

in exactly a year, the jessica story has gotten exactly 10,000 pageviews. that's more than my first blog had in the whole six years i had it. you guys are awesome.

so, lets take a look at this year, shall we?

JANUARY

- went to see brad paisley, the band perry, and scotty mccreery at the idaho center with dear chas. probably the best concert i've seen to date.

- celebrated my three year anniversary with the best horse ever. 

- realized that the beginning of my life was just around the river bend. man, little did i know just how hard it would be. 

FEBRUARY

- said some pretty smart things.

- visited utah state, hoping it would be my future home. 

- fell in love with cache valley.

MARCH 

- decided to be kinder.

- learned some hard lessons and realized that i could survive college.

APRIL

- had the best and most meaningful easter ever. 

- some crazy shiz happened to my family and i learned some very important lessons the hard way.

- realized that i might be one of the few country girls at utah state. 

MAY

- my family moved out of our home in 24 hours and realized that our support system was bigger than i could have ever imagined.

- lived with my best friend for two months.

- celebrated mothers day with my three mother figures. 

- graduated from high school.

JUNE

- reflected on everything i've learned about myself thru the years.

- spent some quality time with my dad.

JULY

- went to the midnight premiere of the new batman with my bestie.

- drove to logan and back in one day. 

- realized after having a relationship with a non-country boy i couldn't settle for anything but. 

AUGUST

- my college countdown reached the single digits. 

- i moved to logan.

- met my twin. 

- realized that utah state is the best place on earth. 

- went to my first college football game as a student. 

SEPTEMBER

- realized how blessed i am to be country. 

- became a full fledged member of the equine program at utah state. 

- rushed the field after the best football game in utah state history. 

- planned homecoming week and participated in my first ever true aggie night. 
- turned the ripe old age of 18.

OCTOBER

- drove to byu for the byu vs. usu football game, and to visit my two best friends. 

- started club calves.

- went to my first residence life retreat with area government and made 

some simply amazing new friends. 

- went home and went through the boise temple open house. 

- finished my cow and sold her at auction. 

NOVEMBER

- celebrated a very low key thanksgiving with my family. 

- realized just how grateful i am for my friends. 

- second guessed what i was supposed to be doing with my life. 

DECEMBER

- saw my first collegiate horse show and realized that i'm doing what i'm supposed to. 

- came to the conclusion that girls are absolutely insane.

- finished my first amazing semester of college. 

- dealt with some death and other hard things. 

so that's about it! this year was definitely a year of extremes- both the extreme good and the extreme bad, but you know what? i am beyond grateful for how much this year has pushed me, stretched me, broke me down and built me up. i am so excited for what this next year has to bring!

loves, 

jessica. 

too many angels.

heaven is too full of angels this christmas. 

sweet shauna passed away today. we were all hoping and praying that she would make it and be a christmas miracle, but it turns out that heavenly father had other plans for that beautiful girl. i never knew her especially well, but i was friends with her sister in high school and i am so so so proud of the strength she & her family has shown these last couple days. i cannot even imagine the pain of her family having to decide to pull her life support and having the courage to let her go and say it was going to be okay. 

as i was thinking about the children from connecticut and shauna today, i just felt really calm. i felt the same type of peace i feel while driving through the canyon by myself in the quiet, when i'm closest to him. i think that when heavenly father's children leave the earth, the veil that separates us from heaven is so thin and we are able to see what our father in heaven needs us to see. with that & all the prayers that are being said for families all around the world tonight, the families that are especially struggling are going to have so many blessings given to them. of course, this isn't something that anyone would ever want or wish to happen, but the lord has such a wonderful plan and his timing of things is so perfect. sometimes it's hard to trust him. but in the end, that's all that we can do and we will see, in time, the bigger picture that he has been painting for us the whole time. 

all you sweet angels, we miss you. 

but we know you're doing better things and were welcomed home.

all my love.

jessica

john 14:27

hard places.

have you ever noticed that trials come in series? i feel like the saying "when it rains, it pours" can be accurately used to describe this last week and a half. there are so many things that are going wrong.

this week has been an awful one. a girl and a boy from my high school were in a very serious car accident earlier this week. my brother was really close friends with the boy, and i was acquaintances with the girl. he will be fine, while she is still in a coma. i was friends with her older sister, we graduated together. and while we were never especially close, i feel hurt in my heart for her and her family. i can't imagine getting up in the morning and wondering if today was the day my only sister would finally wake up and be alright. i am so proud of haley for being so strong, and i look up to her more than words can say. her beautiful sister has been in my family's thoughts and prayers constantly.

it was also finals week. i failed one of my classes and had a serious three day long panic attack while frantically trying to figure out how to pay for my school next semester. i still haven't found a solution, but it's a constant, prayerful process. i also found out that i'll have a new roommate next semester. the ones i have right now are crazy enough, and having to deal with losing wendy and getting a new one might just push me over the edge. but, i know it will be all okay. wendy will be an amazing ra for the girls upstairs and my new roommate might just be exactly who i need.

and of course, on top of this cake was the shooting today. no one knows why things like this happen to the most precious of God's children, we only know that we have to trust his plans. i cannot imagine the heartache and grief and anger that the parents, families and friends of those sweet, sweet children are experiencing tonight and will be living with for the rest of their lives. it's so hard not to question our heavenly father, and be bitter when things like this happen. those precious babies are in the arms of our savior and have already fulfilled their purpose on earth. they are home now.

perhaps the hardest part of these tragedies is that they happened right in the middle of the Christmas season. maybe it's a reminder to us to keep Christ the center of this holiday, and realize that nothing we receive this season is greater than the love and sacrifice our savior gave us. He is the reason that our minds can be at peace in this crazy, awful, wonderful world. He is the reason that i am comforted when i think of those people that were part of the shooting, the adults and the little children, both the ones that have passed away and the ones who survived, and i know that their peace of mind will return and that their families will be reunited with them.

i am so grateful to be with my family tonight, all of us safe and sound under one roof. i love them to the moon and back, and i pray that the same safety finds you and your loved ones tonight. give them all big hugs and kisses before bed and make sure they know how much they mean to you.
love always,
jessica.

just a thought.

"i know today is monday, and you assume it's going to suck, but according to statistics, there will be over 5,000 weddings, 10,000 childbirths, and 42 million hugs given today throughout the united states. also today, there will be at least 4 people that will win the multimillion dollar lotteries and 600 people will get promotions at work. there will also be 600 dogs adopted, 35,000 balloons sold, and 800,00 skittles eaten. plus, the words "i love you" will be said over 9 million times. so again, i know today is monday and you assume it's going to suck, but just smile, because according to statistics, it should actually be a really nice day."
-anonymous

things i don't understand about girls.

it's not a wonder that boys love us girls. i mean, come on, we're beautiful & majestic & we smell nice. but, regardless of the plus sides of women, my own gender tends to confuse me sometimes. we're emotional & catty and more often than not, really crazy. there are some things that us girls do that i will probably never understand. and here they are.

the gossip: a girl can tell you all she wants that she never gossips about other girls, or that she's not catty, but ya know what? living with a bunch of girls has taught me otherwise. and guess what? the ones who say they're not good at living with girls are the most catty, cause they're used to the boys catering to their every need. i've seen it multiple times. girls tend to run their mouths, & even though they tell themselves that they're not gossiping... they are. in fact, the amount of drama girls cause is directly proportional to how much they say they hate drama. truuuth. 

goo-hoarding: i got this term from jenna marbles and it is literally spot on. i don't know about the rest of the girls in the world, but i am completely incapable of totally finishing a beauty product. it really doesn't matter what it is. shampoo... nail polish... facewash... mascara... lip gloss... chapstick... moisturizer... you get the idea. i can't do it. the bottles are always like 1/8th full and they always take up space in my cupboards. it's an epidemic. maybe there should be a show on tlc about it. haha.

how we insist that boys be perfect: you see this all the freakin time. girls can let themselves completely go and be unhealthy, but they can tell themselves "i'm beautiful no matter what!" which i believe is true to a point. but. the thing that really irritates me is that us girls expect to find a prince charming when we're really not cinderella... at all... yeah. one of my roommates and i were talking about this the other day. if you're a 10, you're probably going to attract a 10. and by 10, i mean you're a kardashian and can marry whoever the heck you want. if you're an 8, you'll attract an 8. if you're a 4, you're going to attract a 4. that's just how it is. so stop complaining about how no hot boys like you and take a freakin look at yourself, and find a boy that's like you. cause chances are, if you're not model material, you're not gonna marry a model. that's how relationships work, y'all.

all that crap inside our bags: but mostly receipts, random objects, and super old pieces of nasty gum from like, six months ago. yeah i don't know why we insist on keeping trash inside our bags. pieces of paper, old granola bars, (in case we're suddenly ravenous), 138593 tubes of lip gloss, chapstick, etc., 3 or 4 empty gum packets, movie ticket stubs... you get the idea. 

the things we lie about: no, i don't like him. yeah i like never have to study for anything. of course this is my real tan! i never watch that show. i miss you! no, i'm not jealous! so glad i'm single, best thing ever. i have like 500 followers on pinterest. i love you so much! lets hang out soon! he's just my best guy friend. of course i don't like him still. i am so fat right now. i can eat like whatever i want without getting fat. no, of course i'm not on my period. i know how to drive a stick. i'm so happy for you! enough said? yep. i think so. 

so, what don't you get about girls?

xoxox
jessica :)

where are you willing to go?

after a nice long chat with one of my best friends this last week, i've decided to post about the ability to change and progress. this is a topic that is so dear to my heart because i've seen firsthand the ability the lord has to change our lives for the better and direct us to happier paths. 

there are so many people that you meet every day that have struggles and trials you never could have imagined. there are people that have things in their lives that they wish they could fix but are afraid to for fear of disappointing family members or friends, or are embarrassed to be judged by peers and leaders. we all like to pretend that we have no issues, but every single person you meet has dealt with something you couldn't imagine. 

there are things about your best friend that you probably don't even know. i never realized how strong people are until i came to school and met people from all over the world and heard about the things they deal with, whether it be family problems, financial problems, temptations, or things they're working on fixing. people amaze me all the time. 

so. moral of the story. 

don't be afraid. don't be embarrassed. 

god can take you amazing places. it is all dependent on you. are you willing?

the family you choose.

it's sad when people you know become people you knew.
when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life.
when best friends are no longer even acquaintances.
you used to talk to them for hours and hours a day, easily, without even thinking about it, and now you can barely even look at them.

it happens all the time.
and so today, even though i don't treat them as well as i should sometimes,
i'm showing how grateful i am for my friends.

for melia, who's become my college sister. we have so much in common. it's a relief to find someone at school who loves all the things i do & who is so like me. she's quickly becoming one of my best friends & i know god brought us together for a reason.
for scott, who has become one of my closest friends in the last few weeks. we're cousins and i've known him for my entire life, but he's constantly teaching me things and has shown me that cousins can be so much more than just relatives, they can be confidants and friends.
for wendy, who is the best roommate i could ever ask for. she puts up with so much of my crap and still loves me. i owe her forever. i couldn't make it through this semester without her.
for timmy, who i can talk to when i feel homesick. he always knows how what to say to make me feel better & is such an example to me. he just got his mission call to ghana and i couldn't be more proud of him. i know he will do amazing things there.
for summer, who is always there to comfort me when things start to go bad & to keep me up on the drama at good ol' eagle high school. she probably knows me better than anyone on earth except my mom and she was there for me in the darkest hours of my life. i couldn't live without her.
for clara, who keeps me laughing and on my toes. i love our late night conversations about nothing. sometimes she's crazy and out of control, but that's why i love her so much. i know i can talk to her about anything and she can just take it in stride. even though she goes to byu, i still love her to death.
for kathy, who has done so much for me in the last five years. i would not be where i am today, or the person i am today if it wasn't for her. she is the best friend i've ever had in my entire life. we live far away from each other but it doesn't matter because i know she's always there when i need her or when she needs me. she has taught me so much about perseverance when things get unbearably hard and i will always be grateful for the influence she's had on me and my family.

also for landon, jake, jayden, ciah, storm, chas & brennan.
there are countless more and i love each of you forever.

xoxo
jess :)

a year ago.

was 11/11/11.

i had a boyfriend.

i was a senior in high school.

we still had our house in eagle.

i was dumber than i am now.

really, i was stupid.

i got in trouble a lot.

i started driving my truck.

my best friend was coming to see me.

so many things were different.

it's weird to look back and remember what my life was like, because it's changed so drastically in the last year. like, so much. more than i thought was ever possible. i'm a different person than i was then. i'm much more guarded and emotionally hard. i don't cry as much, i don't get upset as easily. everything that's gone down in the last year has seriously toughened me up and i'm grateful for it, surprisingly. it prepared me for living on my own and being in charge of my future. i feel different. in a good way.

xoxo

jessica.

i feel homesick tonight.

i would give so much just to see this sign.

i miss my family 

i miss not having to worry about things

i miss having money to spend

i miss my horse

i miss my bed

i miss eating really good food

i miss all my friends that are still in high school.

i just miss it.

(looks like there might be a good cry tonight.)

xoxo

jess.

american honey.

hey guys,

i love america

cowboys

country music

horses

utah state university

my little sister

ford trucks

and even the cow that pooped on my shoe today.

I FEEL SO GOOD.

i'm going home on thursday. 

i'm freakin excited.

that's all. 

she grew up good, she grew up slow, like american honey.