still alive.

hey guess what? i'm still alive over here. it's been a rough couple months, and if i haven't kept in touch so well, i'm sorry. things are definitely moving forward, and i'm glad that they are. change is always hard, but i learned that it's even harder when you don't accept it and go with it. the more you fight it, the harder it gets. acknowledging that God has put you in a situation for your own benefit makes all the difference. He knew i was strong enough to struggle through the summer, and i'm so blessed to have learned such valuable lessons. i've changed for the better- i'm stronger, more flexible and true to myself. 

sometimes it seems like bracing your feet and turning your back to the wind makes it all better, but holy cow does it only make it worse. touche, life. lesson learned. 

so pretty much... i'm just glad i'm back to feeling like myself. i've had a lot of friends make blogs lately and i'm absolutely loving reading what everyone has to say about their life experiences right now. so, yall should keep it up. haha.

xoxo

jessica

angels.

these are my two closest friends and i. 

they probably don't realize how amazing they are and how much they mean to me, but all i can say is that i'm so ready for a hell of a year with these ladies.

xox

jess

the best day of your life begins in the morning.

i don't know how or where to start.

things are hard for me and they probably will be for a really, really long time. i kind of hate that. i hate that my life isn't turning out the way i expected it to, i hate that i can't rely on things or on people- and its hard for me to deal with and to come to terms with. i'm sick of pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is okay, when only a very small number of people know how i actually feel. most days, just getting out of bed is really hard. i'd rather just kinda lay there and forget that i'm an adult and that i have obligations and things to be doing.

events that are playing out right now are so hard for me because i remember how awesome my life was just a few short months ago- this last spring, i was freakin on cloud nine. i was taking care of myself spiritually really well, i had an awesome perspective on life, i had a sweet boyfriend, my horses were healthy, i got to go ride at least three times a week, my best friends all still lived in town, i was still playing the guitar constantly, my family was all together and things seemed like they were really looking up. none of those things are true anymore. you know how they say "when it rains, it pours"? yeah they were right.

right now, it's two in the morning, and i just got back from a run. i went and sat on old main hill underneath the lit up A for a solid half an hour and just thought about all the things i'm worried and scared about. i'm so ready to move on- but i honestly don't know if i can. i think i'm ready to sort through everything and figure my shit out- but that scares me. i will take things slow if i need to- but i can't keep sitting here, just waiting for things to work out on their own. it's making me lose my mind.

i guess the first step is to recognize that having a really hard time is just part of life, and it happens. no one has the same situation, and it's so easy for me to get mad at people who don't take me seriously because their life is so easy compared to mine. as far as flexibility goes, i'm pretty rigid. i am so resistant to change- especially when ideas and beliefs that i've held onto for so long make it harder on me to accept what's going on and to just bend and go with the flow of things. i'm slowly learning that it's okay to be sad, and unsure, and scared, and even uncomfortable with living. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.

i'm scared out of my mind. i don't know what's going to happen to me or my family in the next year, but i really do believe that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. it might not be the way i want them to turn out, but somehow, all the puzzle pieces are going to be put together and it's going to be fine. i'm not okay right now. but i will be, and i really have my friends to thank for that. they have become my family here in logan. they take really awesome care of me. they always know when to call, and when to come pick me up, and when to tell me to sit down and re-evaluate my life. i don't think they each know how much they mean to me- because i can't do this by myself. i'm working on it. i really am.

a close friend told me the quote up there a few days ago, and i haven't been able to quit thinking about it since for a few reasons. sunrises are special- much more so than sunsets. anyone can see a sunset, but you have to work for a sunrise. not everyone is seeing the kind of beauty you're seeing in those ten minutes that the sun comes up and starts the day. not only is each morning a new start, but the way you start your mornings sets the pace and tone for the rest of your day. and you know what? if the sun can get up every day, so can i. it's a renewal.

every day is a learning & growing experience.
am i happy? or even okay? no, not always.
do i believe that everything happens for a reason? yes.
do i believe that everything will work out in the end? yes.
every day is hard. some days are harder than others, but i make it through.
i made it through yesterday, i made it through today, and i can make it through tomorrow.
don't worry everyone. i'm still breathing.

love always
jess

life is so good.

well, my classes are getting ready to wrap up, the summer is well on it's way, i'm moving in with my best friends in less than a month, i get to see horses every day, &i love my job.

i'm not especially stressed or worried about events that are going down in my life because there's absolutely no reason to be.  things will work out the way that god wants them to, and so there's no reason to be all depressed about it. that doesn't mean that life isn't hard, because sometimes it is, and sometimes it sucks, but i don't feel the need to change the way i lead my life just because i'm going through a rough patch. theres no reason to be sad or beg for sympathy or whatever. ya feel me?

 plus, i have an amazing support system. i have some freaking awesome friends that i know would drop anything and everything to come and help me. so, thank you to those who have expressed their support and concern for me over the past few days but i just know that i am doing really really well right now. i am happy & life is so good.

xoxo 

jessica :)

a mission post.

this beautiful girl is one of my best friends in the entire world. 

we were unlikely friends, but she has changed my life in such a huge way i can't even describe it. she was there for me in the happiest & darkest times of my life, when i didn't know if i was going to make it through high school, & whenever i needed a smile or a hug. she's at byu now, and still is there for me, even when i call her in at 1am. we have made so many incredible memories. i am so proud of her decision to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Clara is called to serve & teach the people of Montevideo, Uruguay. 

i am so excited for her & for the people in uruguay who get to meet this girl. 

they are beyond lucky and i hope they take advantage of every second they have with her.

i'm so proud of you baby girl. love you forever and always.

to learn more about missions and what they do, click here.

kind of awesome.

i tend to forget that it's in the small things that heavenly father works amazing miracles. 

because i don't believe in giving up on people.

if you were going to ask me what my weaknesses are, you'd have to pull up a comfortable chair and be prepared to stay for a while. 

seriously. 

especially in the past few months, there have been times when i've told myself that i was going to make changes, and then find myself reverting, and it's the most frustrating thing to me. i mean honestly, it shouldn't be so hard to make changes in my life especially because i have such an amazing support system of friends, parents, grandparents & other family that are there constantly encouraging and believing in me. but it is hard. and it's a constant battle with myself. 

what i worry the most about is not having enough faith that one day, Heavenly Father will be able to change that & transform my weaknesses into strengths. but, i know that He gives us weaknesses for a reason, and if He won't give up on me, someone who is so imperfect it hurts, then why would i give up on anyone else? some days, you're gonna feel like nothing is going right and it's not even worth it to try, and i know exactly how you feel, because i feel the same way a lot of the time. and it's okay. one day, after all the trials and conflicts, it's gonna be alright. i promise. 

we are human. 

we're stupid, impulsive, crave instant gratification, and temporal. but, we're also wonderful, incredible, beings that have amazing potential to become just like our Father. and i think that's awesome.

nobody is a hopeless case. if Heavenly Father's not going to give up on you, than neither am i. 

xoxo

jess:)

beyond homesick.

growing up sucks.

 i think that being an adult is so hard for me because i hold on to things that were and i worry to no end about things to come. ever since coming back from idaho last week, i've been so incredibly homesick. i have this huge pit in my stomach and an ache in my heart and i just need to be back there. 

i miss eagle high school, our old house, my horses, and my best friends, who are now spread out all over the world either on missions or at school. writing letters to them is fine and all, but it's not the same as getting a really big hug from clara and kaitlyn, gossiping with summer & landon and running and jumping on blake's back in the middle of the hallway. i miss driving a half an hour to hang out with jake, landon and nate every weekend. i miss making fun of my teachers and all the drama shelli created. i even miss the debate kids yelling at us for being too loud & the devil vice principal confiscating my bag because i refused to use a locker. 

i miss having seminary with my brother and always skipping with brennan & parker to get donuts, and brother tanner getting pissed at us for doing stupid things. as shallow as this sounds, i miss walking through the hall and having everyone know my name and come up and tell me hi & ask me how i was doing. i miss having way too much fun to care that i was probably going to get in trouble for skipping english to play my guitar with the jazz kids instead. i miss playing my music so loud in the barn while i was cleaning that michelle would complain and then come downstairs to help me. 

i miss fighting with my sister over the brushes & if tanner was being good enough to saddle herself on any particular day. i miss summer and i being attached at the hip. i miss being a part of the stang gang, driving around with all the windows down and the sunroof open, & going to sonic with clara. i miss flirting with the football boys. i miss going to concerts with chas & my friends and i making each other mixtapes. i listened to every single one of those CD's today, and i don't think i've cried so hard since last april. 

i just really want to go home. 

i like me.

i like who i'm becoming. 

i like that i wear too much camo, that my boots track mud everywhere and it drives my roommates crazy, that i could care less about what people are saying about me. i like that i don't have to pretend i'm something that i'm not, and people like me for who i am. i like that i have a relationship with Christ & that he's with me no matter what i do or where i go, that i have the strength and ability to do what's right without worrying about what those around me are trying to convince me to do. i like that i'm best friends with my little brother, and that i'm confident in my talents and abilities. i like that i know i can work hard and follow through with what i say i'm going to do. but really, i'm glad i'm just me. :)

xo

jess

the sun always rises.

every morning, i watch the sun rise out of this barn door. some days it's hidden from fog, or rain or snow clouds. on a really cold, clear day, you get a sunrise that looks like this. other days, with just a few clouds, there are beautiful colors thrown. 

some days it rises earlier, some days it rises later. but the important part is, 

it always rises. 

the early hours of the morning are always spiritual for me. they're quiet and beautiful and so peaceful. my mind is always the most calm first thing in the morning, and things always make the most sense. i usually have my best ideas, solve my hardest problems, do the most difficult things early in the morning. 

i have been stressed out of my mind lately. i'm good at putting up a good front, because it's easier to just tell people that you're okay than to explain what's worrying you. today at work, around 5:30am, i was sitting on the guard rail of one of the tie stalls waiting for one of the girls to bring in a load of straw. it was quiet, i was the only one in the barn. i was just sitting still, looking around and kind of dreading the work that needed to be done, when a couple of little birds flew down from the rafters and sat in the straw right in front of me. they picked up some straw with their beaks, hopping around and chirping. they sounded so happy i couldn't help but smile. i had a really comforting thought come to me. it said, "your Heavenly Father cares about these little birds, and their well being. He cares about the cows you take care of. He even cares about those who have forgotten about him. What makes you think he doesn't care about you? He loves you. Always has, and always will."

it was such a perfect time for me to realize that i am so blessed. i have incredible parents who i am so lucky to be close to. i have two awesome brothers and a little sister who i love. my life is good. i have my struggles just like everyone else, and sometimes i feel like no one could understand. it's in these little moments that i remember that i'm never alone. i have thanked my heavenly father over and over again this week for the way things are falling into place. i couldn't be happier.

xoxo

jessica

it's all about the long term.

GOALS. 

if you're anything like me, you hate that word. something about the sound of it, and the memories of dumb leadership seminars and young women's lessons make me hate the word "goal". i have heard the words "take some time to write down long and short term goals on this piece of paper" so many dang times it makes me want to punch a wall. the mere mention of someone telling me to make goals makes me want to do the exact opposite, and have absolutely no goals. (it's my belligerent side coming out).

lately though, i've realized why adults put so much pressure on young people to write down what they want to do with their life. having long and short term goals makes doing the things you want to do more fun, and more importantly, it gives you the strength and insight to fight through the hard times. 

it gives you the ability to wake up at 4am every day for 6 hours of work 

& still be able to stay on top of your classes. 

it makes the days spent covered in horse & cow crap much more bearable. 

it helps you learn to appreciate a good night's sleep. 

the days spent working outside in the below freezing weather go by quicker, 

and sore muscles and a tired mind recuperate quicker. 

the way i see it, you can either let your life defeat you or you can let your life teach you how to grow and become a strong, hard working, brave, kind, resilient person. to me, having the long term goals constantly in sight (along with a heavy dose of faith) makes all the hard, terrible, exhausting days worth it. i know exactly what i want, and i know i'm getting closer every day.

i love the direction my life is headed, 

and i'm excited for the future.

xoxo

jess.

new years resolutions.

quite frankly, i think new years resolutions are crap. they set people up for disappointment and most of the time aren't realistic. however, i do think that feasible lifestyle changes and habits that you want to create are fabulous. there are some things i want to do and change this year as well.


i want to live by the slogan "love everyone & be indispensable".

lose the 20 pounds that snuck up on me this last year. yuck.

drink less coke, drink more water.

ride more horses, go on more drives, get a little muddier.

i want to go running more than the one or two times a week i'm doing right now. 

i'm going to make sure everything i say is uplifting and real.

i'm done being "fake nice" to those around me that i have a hard time getting along with. 

i'm going to genuinely love people. 

i know it will make a difference in my life. 

this year, i'm going to make more friends and jam to more music. 

i'm going to spread my talents and conquer a couple of fears. 

i'm going to make amends and turn nineteen.

i will think before i speak.

maybe travel a little bit and maybe find myself a boyfriend.

i'm going to quit being rude and start being kind.

(not that i'm rude alot, but i have my moments.)

in 2013,

i'm not going to hold back.

this year?

it'll be the best one yet.

too many angels.

heaven is too full of angels this christmas. 

sweet shauna passed away today. we were all hoping and praying that she would make it and be a christmas miracle, but it turns out that heavenly father had other plans for that beautiful girl. i never knew her especially well, but i was friends with her sister in high school and i am so so so proud of the strength she & her family has shown these last couple days. i cannot even imagine the pain of her family having to decide to pull her life support and having the courage to let her go and say it was going to be okay. 

as i was thinking about the children from connecticut and shauna today, i just felt really calm. i felt the same type of peace i feel while driving through the canyon by myself in the quiet, when i'm closest to him. i think that when heavenly father's children leave the earth, the veil that separates us from heaven is so thin and we are able to see what our father in heaven needs us to see. with that & all the prayers that are being said for families all around the world tonight, the families that are especially struggling are going to have so many blessings given to them. of course, this isn't something that anyone would ever want or wish to happen, but the lord has such a wonderful plan and his timing of things is so perfect. sometimes it's hard to trust him. but in the end, that's all that we can do and we will see, in time, the bigger picture that he has been painting for us the whole time. 

all you sweet angels, we miss you. 

but we know you're doing better things and were welcomed home.

all my love.

jessica

john 14:27