the best day of your life begins in the morning.

i don't know how or where to start.

things are hard for me and they probably will be for a really, really long time. i kind of hate that. i hate that my life isn't turning out the way i expected it to, i hate that i can't rely on things or on people- and its hard for me to deal with and to come to terms with. i'm sick of pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is okay, when only a very small number of people know how i actually feel. most days, just getting out of bed is really hard. i'd rather just kinda lay there and forget that i'm an adult and that i have obligations and things to be doing.

events that are playing out right now are so hard for me because i remember how awesome my life was just a few short months ago- this last spring, i was freakin on cloud nine. i was taking care of myself spiritually really well, i had an awesome perspective on life, i had a sweet boyfriend, my horses were healthy, i got to go ride at least three times a week, my best friends all still lived in town, i was still playing the guitar constantly, my family was all together and things seemed like they were really looking up. none of those things are true anymore. you know how they say "when it rains, it pours"? yeah they were right.

right now, it's two in the morning, and i just got back from a run. i went and sat on old main hill underneath the lit up A for a solid half an hour and just thought about all the things i'm worried and scared about. i'm so ready to move on- but i honestly don't know if i can. i think i'm ready to sort through everything and figure my shit out- but that scares me. i will take things slow if i need to- but i can't keep sitting here, just waiting for things to work out on their own. it's making me lose my mind.

i guess the first step is to recognize that having a really hard time is just part of life, and it happens. no one has the same situation, and it's so easy for me to get mad at people who don't take me seriously because their life is so easy compared to mine. as far as flexibility goes, i'm pretty rigid. i am so resistant to change- especially when ideas and beliefs that i've held onto for so long make it harder on me to accept what's going on and to just bend and go with the flow of things. i'm slowly learning that it's okay to be sad, and unsure, and scared, and even uncomfortable with living. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.

i'm scared out of my mind. i don't know what's going to happen to me or my family in the next year, but i really do believe that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. it might not be the way i want them to turn out, but somehow, all the puzzle pieces are going to be put together and it's going to be fine. i'm not okay right now. but i will be, and i really have my friends to thank for that. they have become my family here in logan. they take really awesome care of me. they always know when to call, and when to come pick me up, and when to tell me to sit down and re-evaluate my life. i don't think they each know how much they mean to me- because i can't do this by myself. i'm working on it. i really am.

a close friend told me the quote up there a few days ago, and i haven't been able to quit thinking about it since for a few reasons. sunrises are special- much more so than sunsets. anyone can see a sunset, but you have to work for a sunrise. not everyone is seeing the kind of beauty you're seeing in those ten minutes that the sun comes up and starts the day. not only is each morning a new start, but the way you start your mornings sets the pace and tone for the rest of your day. and you know what? if the sun can get up every day, so can i. it's a renewal.

every day is a learning & growing experience.
am i happy? or even okay? no, not always.
do i believe that everything happens for a reason? yes.
do i believe that everything will work out in the end? yes.
every day is hard. some days are harder than others, but i make it through.
i made it through yesterday, i made it through today, and i can make it through tomorrow.
don't worry everyone. i'm still breathing.

love always
jess

so i went to vegas

gary allan. pbr. the strip. my favorite aunts & uncle & cousins.

best weekend ever.

at home.

really all i do when i'm at home is hang out with my brothers, do laundry, eat food, catch up on duck dynasty (this new season is hilarious by the way), gossip with my mom about all the boys i've been talking to, and chill in the barn with my sister & this beautiful mare. gosh. i know i sound like a broken record but i really miss having her in my backyard. a lot. aww. she's so perfect. 

xoxo

jessica :)

idahome.

i have never been so happy to see this sign in my entire life. when i made it into boise, a quick stop was made to see my best friend and after i left her apartment, i sat in my truck and had a good cry for a little while because 1) i am beyond glad to get out of utah 2) i hate that i have to leave tuesday 3) i've been up since 3:30 this morning 4) i am just so dang glad to be home. i didn't realize how homesick i was until i got there and smelled the idaho air and felt the 55 degree weather and saw the horses and old friends... all my emotions just piled up and spilled out my eyes. and you know what? it felt good to cry. it's a seven hour drive (give or take) from school to home, and it's kinda hard to drive it by myself. i always get bored around the 51/2 hour mark... thanks to really huge fountain drinks & 80s music the last hour and a half is bearable. barely. heres to an amazing three days. 

-jessica :)

hard places.

have you ever noticed that trials come in series? i feel like the saying "when it rains, it pours" can be accurately used to describe this last week and a half. there are so many things that are going wrong.

this week has been an awful one. a girl and a boy from my high school were in a very serious car accident earlier this week. my brother was really close friends with the boy, and i was acquaintances with the girl. he will be fine, while she is still in a coma. i was friends with her older sister, we graduated together. and while we were never especially close, i feel hurt in my heart for her and her family. i can't imagine getting up in the morning and wondering if today was the day my only sister would finally wake up and be alright. i am so proud of haley for being so strong, and i look up to her more than words can say. her beautiful sister has been in my family's thoughts and prayers constantly.

it was also finals week. i failed one of my classes and had a serious three day long panic attack while frantically trying to figure out how to pay for my school next semester. i still haven't found a solution, but it's a constant, prayerful process. i also found out that i'll have a new roommate next semester. the ones i have right now are crazy enough, and having to deal with losing wendy and getting a new one might just push me over the edge. but, i know it will be all okay. wendy will be an amazing ra for the girls upstairs and my new roommate might just be exactly who i need.

and of course, on top of this cake was the shooting today. no one knows why things like this happen to the most precious of God's children, we only know that we have to trust his plans. i cannot imagine the heartache and grief and anger that the parents, families and friends of those sweet, sweet children are experiencing tonight and will be living with for the rest of their lives. it's so hard not to question our heavenly father, and be bitter when things like this happen. those precious babies are in the arms of our savior and have already fulfilled their purpose on earth. they are home now.

perhaps the hardest part of these tragedies is that they happened right in the middle of the Christmas season. maybe it's a reminder to us to keep Christ the center of this holiday, and realize that nothing we receive this season is greater than the love and sacrifice our savior gave us. He is the reason that our minds can be at peace in this crazy, awful, wonderful world. He is the reason that i am comforted when i think of those people that were part of the shooting, the adults and the little children, both the ones that have passed away and the ones who survived, and i know that their peace of mind will return and that their families will be reunited with them.

i am so grateful to be with my family tonight, all of us safe and sound under one roof. i love them to the moon and back, and i pray that the same safety finds you and your loved ones tonight. give them all big hugs and kisses before bed and make sure they know how much they mean to you.
love always,
jessica.

adios and vaya con dios.

after my final tomorrow, i'm headed back to the good ol' 208. i've missed it. 

and i'm ready to be out of this tiny apartment with my psycho roommates. 

see you this weekend.

xoxo

jessica :)

thanksgiving: 2012

i'm thankful for

staying home for the holidays

my friends

seeing my family

my horses

where i live

the support of my extended family

my university

modern technology

& too many other things to count.

happy thanksgiving, y'all.

xoxox

jessica :)

i feel homesick tonight.

i would give so much just to see this sign.

i miss my family 

i miss not having to worry about things

i miss having money to spend

i miss my horse

i miss my bed

i miss eating really good food

i miss all my friends that are still in high school.

i just miss it.

(looks like there might be a good cry tonight.)

xoxo

jess.

sinners like me.

i'm so happy today.

for quite a few reasons.

1) roommates who love me

2) rain

3) passing my midterms

4) 7/11 diet cokes

5) jason aldean's new album

6) that boy 

7) my new heifer 

8) long hair

9) new playlists with new music

10) going home for the weekend

11) this song

xoxo
love you all.
jess :)

lately on my computer.

i've finally finished editing all the pictures from our family reunion this summer. 

that, my friends, is procrastination at it's finest.

so here's a few, there's a few. 

this week i'm thinking about some pretty interesting posts so stay tuned. 

and i hope you forgive me for being pretty MIA lately...

peace n love n blessings!

jess :)

round two.

its the family reunion: round two.

we're not in idaho anymore..

but really... utah is very different than Idaho.

I've been here for 5 hours and this is my mental list this far.

1. there are a fricken ton of billboards here.
2. their country music station plays very few commercials. I like that.
 3. there are lots of old people in bountiful.
4. there are a lotttt more people in salt lake than in Boise.
5. it's really hot here...
6. there are LDS chapels everywhere. really everywhere.
 7. drivers. they dont drive correctly.

and that's all.

 xoxoxo jessica :)

my weekend was better than yours.

i hung out with my very best friend in the entire world.

it reached 100 degrees. 

pf changs and matching phone cases :)

the bathroom had a nice note on the mirror. haha.

parties upon parties upon parties. i looked hot, no big deal.

i honestly love the treasure valley. my favorite place everrrr.

sleepover with clarrrryy. 

we were up until like, 4am no big deal.

we've been saving juice boxes for two years.

to build a couch.

two year old straws anyone?... haha ewww

THIS WEEKEND WAS FLIPPING AWESOME.

& she thinks we're just fishin.

today my pops & i went fly fishing. 

we're both big fans. 

but crazy things happen when you put jessica in her natural habitat.

(also known as the wild.)

we kinda got lost on some random backroad and made our truck real dirty.

its a good thing my dad likes country music as much as i do.

we drove through mccall & i really wanted to go lay on the beach.

we didn't catch any fish, 

but we did get humongous diet cokes. 

the stinker store is mint.

and here's a song for your listening enjoyment.

memorial day weekend.

when i turned 15 and got my drivers license, my dad surprised me with a little audi. 

i seriously loved this car. alot. it was my dream car. i planned on owning it for the rest of my life. yeah that didn't happen. haha. in december my dad kinda wrecked it. so i drove his gold f150 until oh, yesterday. for graduation, my dad surprised me again. 

with a little vw passat.

i know this little car looks out of place in the middle of he woods but my dad and i were fishing and it looked like a perfect instagram moment. and it was. 

anyways. i could not be happier with this car. 

it's literally exactly the same as my audi, just a little roomier on the inside. it drives like a dream.

and i'm in love.

it needs a name. 

any suggestions? :)

loves, 

jessica.

thats a negative on the camping.

i never did end up going camping yesterday & today. whoops.
i'm dying my hair real blonde tomorrow. (i'm nervous).

today was the sister's birthday!
she's 11.
we celebrated with dinner at red robin.





and that's all.

loves,
jessica.

ps. i promise my posting will be interesting and frequent after this weekend. :)

my main mothers.

oh boy, ain't that true!!

this mother's day, i have soooo much to be grateful for. 

and so, i believe it's appropriate to give a largish shout out to my momma. 

it's real hard to be away from my parents and it's weird to not have my entire family under one roof. that being said, i consider it a blessing to stay with my mom for the weekend. 

she's doing a great job under the circumstances. it's weird how no one quite replaces your mom, isn't it?

speaking of replacements, 

my other two main mommas, ann & nicki need a little recognition too.

they've let me become part of their families. i split my weeknights, laundry, and other needs between them. and i will love them & their families forever for it. 

(i've also gained eight other fabulous siblings. :) )

also. 

gramma & meesh are pretty fabulous too.

basically.

i've got some killer great women in my life.

i really hope you do to. let them know, okay?

and if you don't have some killer great women in your life, 

feel free to share mine :)

love always & forevaaaa,

jessica :)

the spring that changed me.

this song sums up my life. like, perfectly.

i know a lot people are worried & aren't all the way informed so i figured i'd do a little (haha.. little) post about it.

but.

there's too much happening. i don't even know where to start..

1) a long time ago, my dad refused to do some huge business work for some really prominent people because it wasn't honest. ever since then, they've been trying to get back at him for 'hurting' their operations.

2) two weeks ago the fbi showed up on our doorstep at 6:45 in the morning and arrested my dad on charges of pension fraud, which are totally untrue. some people managed to twist information around in order to make it look like he was guilty. he did nothing wrong. he spend overnight in jail and then was let out with an ankle monitor. yeah, my dad's under house arrest. no big deal. (ever seen the tv show white collar? it looks just like that.)

3) its a really long and complicated and sickening story, but our home was stolen out from under us illegally, but there's nothing we can do to prove it right now. innocent until proven guilty? please. its more like guilty until proven innocent. we had an agreement that we could stay in our house until graduation and then we could move out. yesterday at 2pm, they showed up with an eviction notice saying we had 24 hours to be out of our house. (which, btw, is illegal.. its the law in idaho that you have 72 hours to pack up and move. but whatever.)

4) we had to find places to put our horses, dogs, rabbits, and chickens. they're all spread out at multiple different places with multiple different amazing families. that was the first issue. our friends brought their horse trailer over and we loaded up and took them to their home. they're staying there for a while. right after i got home from that, i found my best friend and her sister in my room. they'd started to pack for me.

needless to say, i lost it.
i've never cried so hard in my life.
the worst feeling ever is knowing that you don't have a home to go home to. like really? its gut wrenching. imagine feeling scared of the scariest thing in your life times four.

it is such a blessing to have so many people that are willing to go out of their way to help us.

5) right now, i'm staying with my best friend and her family. i love them just as much as my real family. my life is currently spread out between like five people's homes. my shoes are at one house, all my clean clothes are at another, all my dirty clothes are at still another, and my makeup, two pairs of yoga pants and various t-shirts are with me. yeah, it sucks but i'm alright.

my extended family is awesome too. they're such a support to us right now.

a lot of people have asked about my plans for this summer.

i'm moving down (up?) to logan as soon as possible to get a job, and i'm actually super excited. (don't get me wrong, still plenty nervous but still really excited.) i'm planning on starting school in the fall as usual.

also. i have a small favor.
if you're in the boise or logan area and know anyone that's selling a small car with good gas mileage pretty cheap.. let me know :) i'm not taking my truck with me because it's expensive and hard to park in small college parking lots.


love,
jessica.

things that probably should have stayed on photobooth.

did you laugh?
cause i did. real hard.

hahahaha.