beyond homesick.

growing up sucks.

 i think that being an adult is so hard for me because i hold on to things that were and i worry to no end about things to come. ever since coming back from idaho last week, i've been so incredibly homesick. i have this huge pit in my stomach and an ache in my heart and i just need to be back there. 

i miss eagle high school, our old house, my horses, and my best friends, who are now spread out all over the world either on missions or at school. writing letters to them is fine and all, but it's not the same as getting a really big hug from clara and kaitlyn, gossiping with summer & landon and running and jumping on blake's back in the middle of the hallway. i miss driving a half an hour to hang out with jake, landon and nate every weekend. i miss making fun of my teachers and all the drama shelli created. i even miss the debate kids yelling at us for being too loud & the devil vice principal confiscating my bag because i refused to use a locker. 

i miss having seminary with my brother and always skipping with brennan & parker to get donuts, and brother tanner getting pissed at us for doing stupid things. as shallow as this sounds, i miss walking through the hall and having everyone know my name and come up and tell me hi & ask me how i was doing. i miss having way too much fun to care that i was probably going to get in trouble for skipping english to play my guitar with the jazz kids instead. i miss playing my music so loud in the barn while i was cleaning that michelle would complain and then come downstairs to help me. 

i miss fighting with my sister over the brushes & if tanner was being good enough to saddle herself on any particular day. i miss summer and i being attached at the hip. i miss being a part of the stang gang, driving around with all the windows down and the sunroof open, & going to sonic with clara. i miss flirting with the football boys. i miss going to concerts with chas & my friends and i making each other mixtapes. i listened to every single one of those CD's today, and i don't think i've cried so hard since last april. 

i just really want to go home.