Saturday, August 10, 2013

the best day of your life begins in the morning.

i don't know how or where to start.

things are hard for me and they probably will be for a really, really long time. i kind of hate that. i hate that my life isn't turning out the way i expected it to, i hate that i can't rely on things or on people- and its hard for me to deal with and to come to terms with. i'm sick of pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is okay, when only a very small number of people know how i actually feel. most days, just getting out of bed is really hard. i'd rather just kinda lay there and forget that i'm an adult and that i have obligations and things to be doing.

events that are playing out right now are so hard for me because i remember how awesome my life was just a few short months ago- this last spring, i was freakin on cloud nine. i was taking care of myself spiritually really well, i had an awesome perspective on life, i had a sweet boyfriend, my horses were healthy, i got to go ride at least three times a week, my best friends all still lived in town, i was still playing the guitar constantly, my family was all together and things seemed like they were really looking up. none of those things are true anymore. you know how they say "when it rains, it pours"? yeah they were right.

right now, it's two in the morning, and i just got back from a run. i went and sat on old main hill underneath the lit up A for a solid half an hour and just thought about all the things i'm worried and scared about. i'm so ready to move on- but i honestly don't know if i can. i think i'm ready to sort through everything and figure my shit out- but that scares me. i will take things slow if i need to- but i can't keep sitting here, just waiting for things to work out on their own. it's making me lose my mind.

i guess the first step is to recognize that having a really hard time is just part of life, and it happens. no one has the same situation, and it's so easy for me to get mad at people who don't take me seriously because their life is so easy compared to mine. as far as flexibility goes, i'm pretty rigid. i am so resistant to change- especially when ideas and beliefs that i've held onto for so long make it harder on me to accept what's going on and to just bend and go with the flow of things. i'm slowly learning that it's okay to be sad, and unsure, and scared, and even uncomfortable with living. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.

i'm scared out of my mind. i don't know what's going to happen to me or my family in the next year, but i really do believe that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. it might not be the way i want them to turn out, but somehow, all the puzzle pieces are going to be put together and it's going to be fine. i'm not okay right now. but i will be, and i really have my friends to thank for that. they have become my family here in logan. they take really awesome care of me. they always know when to call, and when to come pick me up, and when to tell me to sit down and re-evaluate my life. i don't think they each know how much they mean to me- because i can't do this by myself. i'm working on it. i really am.

a close friend told me the quote up there a few days ago, and i haven't been able to quit thinking about it since for a few reasons. sunrises are special- much more so than sunsets. anyone can see a sunset, but you have to work for a sunrise. not everyone is seeing the kind of beauty you're seeing in those ten minutes that the sun comes up and starts the day. not only is each morning a new start, but the way you start your mornings sets the pace and tone for the rest of your day. and you know what? if the sun can get up every day, so can i. it's a renewal.

every day is a learning & growing experience.
am i happy? or even okay? no, not always.
do i believe that everything happens for a reason? yes.
do i believe that everything will work out in the end? yes.
every day is hard. some days are harder than others, but i make it through.
i made it through yesterday, i made it through today, and i can make it through tomorrow.
don't worry everyone. i'm still breathing.

love always


Em and Ms said...

Jessica, this is such a raw, honest portrayal. We've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you and your family always. We wish we could do more, but I'm so glad you have friends who are helping you through this terrible time. You have such an amazing perspective to be able to know that even though things aren't okay now, they will be. We love you! Keep being the great person you are, and know that we're here for you.

Miranda said...

I'm so glad you're finally feeling this. It is rotten and it's ugly. But you have to feel it in order to conquer it. So I'm glad you're on your way to healing. Love you tons. Praying for you always.